Bear Pelts

  This time of year many people wonder how to keep themselves and their loved ones warm. From my experience the best answer is bear pelts. For the normal sized adult one bear pelt will do fine, for the young ones you might get a few coverings out of one pelt. If one bear’s worth of fur does not fit you comfortably you should look into a new exercise routine. You do have to take into consideration the creating of boots, but in that case deer skins do very well. For today I will focus on pelts.
  Some of you might be unfamiliar with wearing skins and pelts, and it’s possible you do not have access to all the appropriate tools for acquiring a pelt. Again I will keep myself on topic, although acquiring them may prove to be difficult (but you’ll have great memories), the wearing of the pelts is very simple.
  The easiest way to look good in your pelt is to begin with an attractive bear. Many people enjoy polar bears due to their eye-catching color. I find them to be a bit too flashy, and beyond that they don’t work with my complexion. I look best in a nice long haired grizzly. The red highlights of their coat complement my beard, but they are difficult to tailor.
  Tailoring your pelt is involved, but I am sure even the untrained person can accomplish the task. The basic pattern calls for two large squares, generally equal in size. I say generally equal because it is necessary to be honest with yourself and consider whether your body’s shape is generally equal. Some of us have big barrel chests and thin waits, some of us have the opposite.  Estimate the best you can where the extra is needed and cut your pelt accordingly. If you cannot decide for yourself (as to whether you are pear or apple shaped), I’m sure you have a trusted friend that will be all too happy to tell you.
  After cutting your pelt it is time to lash it together. For this you’ll need a few yards of thin hide or innards and a strong tool for piercing the pelt. I find it best to choose one side that will stay tied together and the other that can be opened and closed for easy access. I am right handed so the left side of my pelt stays lashed together while the right side is prepared for tying off.
  There are several variations to the basic pattern. Generally you need a hole in the top center and one on each side, assuming you returned unscathed from acquiring your pelt. Lash the two sides of your new bear shirt together as you see fit. The bottom line is if it stays between you and the cold it is working. Certainly some people are more interested in fashion, they can pursue further alterations.
  About laundering your pelt. There is nothing worse than a bear pelt that has begun to get matted and foul. It’s best if you have a trusted pelt cleaner.  But where can you find someone with those skills? So then you must clean the pelt yourself.  But who has the time? And with the time it takes to dry without the assistance of the hot sun you are best off just waiting till the salmon start to swim upstream and do it properly.
  You may have realized that if you follow this bear pelt pattern your forearms are currently open to the elements. As cold as it is these days it is wise to find something to cover them. Something in cotton is really the best option, several layers of cotton.

Cold Cycle

  Winter has come to the moderately large north eastern city in which I live.  Now, being from the Viking stock I welcome the cold.  However the motorcycle that I use for transportation does not.  When the temperature drops below freezing, as it did today, my cycle complains to the point of defiance.  I understand it is simply a machine.  But when its really cold outside, the motorcycle does not want to come out to play.
  So I have to force it into compliance.  Mostly that means that I have to jump start the cold cycle.  Sadly I have had so much practice that I am pretty good at it now, but that was not always the case.  The first time it happened I was in a bit of a bind.  Here’s how it went.

 I was about half way through my trip to work, just about to Broad St. and I ran into a small problem.  The bike stalled out.  Not a "you didn't give enough gas when you let out the clutch" sort of stall, but an "I'm sitting at a red light and the bike makes a sputtering noise" and then no noise at all.  No noise, none at all.  So I tried to start it again, small noise, but none of the really thick noise I’d grown accustomed to.
  At this point of the trip I am on a larger street, but one chosen for its lack of traffic.  However, I am approaching Broad St.  So named because it’s big and wide with many cars, all of them moving with the loud thick noise I was hoping for.  I realized after a few more tries that I had flooded the engine and the best thing to do was to let it sit.
  So I positioned myself out of traffic and decided to call my wife and let her know what had happened.  She offered to come get me, but that suggestion didn't help the larger plan or my ego.  So I said not to come, I would try to pop the clutch again in a minute.
  My father in law taught me how to pop the clutch, letting me know that he has done it many times on this bike.  To demonstrate the process he ran down the driveway pushing the bike while holding the clutch in, got to a certain speed, pushed the ignition button, released the clutch, big noise ensues, and then he got on the revving motorcycle.  To get a clear picture of how he got on you should image the old west and a cowboy jumping onto a galloping horse.
  You know the one, the guy that needs to get on the horse while it runs by; he whistles for the horse, it comes running, but the horse doesn't stop and the cowboy does not need it to, he just jumps up, plants a foot in the stirrup, swings his body up and over and they are off to carry the mail to Montana.  If my father in law and I were in the wild west together I’d be the guy sitting in Montana that receives the mail and says, "well, we didn't expect to see hide nor hair of you till sundown." and he would smile and whistle for his horse.
  I am considerably larger and less agile then he.  Although to my credit and I am improving.  But there was no way I was going to run down the street and jump onto a revving motorcycle.  Its simply was not going to happen.  I settled for the next best thing, which is considerably more foolish looking.  I ran beside the bike, pushing the nearly 400lb sleeping beast until the right time to shock it into action.  The bike did respond, roaring and ready to go.  But instead of swinging my leg over and riding into the morning sun, I opted to put the bike in neutral, adjust my helmet, and mount the motorcycle in a measured and distinguished fashion.  My ego lay down at the side of the road and shrugged as I rode down to Broad St. and stopped for oncoming traffic.